


Come Back To Me

by AwakeandAsleep



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: First Kiss, Internal Conflict, M/M, POV First Person, Ronan's POV, pynch - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-17
Updated: 2015-07-17
Packaged: 2018-04-09 18:36:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,880
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4359908
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AwakeandAsleep/pseuds/AwakeandAsleep
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I’m shaking. I’m so angry. I’m so confused. I don't know what's happening right now.<br/>I want Adam.<br/>“Don’t wait up.” I say into the air. I walk outside and get back in the BMW.<br/>I drive to the Barnes.</p><p>Or, the one where Adam and Ronan kiss and Adam freaks out and leaves to figure out his feelings. Majority of the fic is Ronans narrative on trying to find Adam.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Come Back To Me

I'm staring at my bedroom wall, trying to wrap my brain around what just happened.

He just fucking left.

He just left me here.

I seriously can’t believe this is happening right now.

He just grabbed his car keys and ran out the door. When I tried to chase after him, it was like he didn’t hear a word that I said.

We were just hanging out in my room playing video games when Adam leans over and kisses me. It was better than I had imagined it would be. Better than the ones I had in my dreams. It was timid and soft, in the best possible way. It only lasted about 3 seconds, but I can’t stop replying those 3 seconds over and over in my head.

Right after it was over, he was tripping and stuttering and making excuses about how he had to leave. I grabbed his arm to stop him from leaving, just long enough so he would listen to me. He ripped his arm out of my grasp like it was on fire or something. I chased him out of my room only to have him say his goodbye and slam the door in my face. I don’t think he meant to; he probably didn’t realize that I was chasing after him.

When I got outside I tried to talk him down again, but he just wouldn’t listen.

“Adam, listen to me. Adam!” I shouted with my hands on his shitty car door. “Stop overreacting, you didn’t do anything wrong.”

He starts up the engine. “Where are you going? Just come back upstairs already.”

He shifts into reverse.

“Do you want to just forget this whole thing ever happened? Fine, I can do that. It’s forgotten. Now get out of the fucking car.”

He’s still not looking at me, just staring straight ahead. I swear his eyes are even a little bit glossy. I will never forgive myself if I make Adam Parrish cry right now.

“I’m sorry Ronan, I just need to go… figure some things out right now.”

He takes his foot off the brakes and backs out of the parking lot, away from me, leaving me in the dust.

It’s 1:00am.

So now I’m sitting on my bed, my blood just boiling. I could call Gansey and see if he’d go talk to Adam, but I don’t know if that would upset him even more. I don’t even know if he’s at his apartment.

This is fucking bullshit.

I stand up and throw my small lamp on my bedside table. It hits the wall and the bulb shatters. Chainsaw starts squawking and flying around the room. I’m able to get her to land on my arm and calm her down, feeling guilty for losing my temper. I feel eyes on me and I turn to see Noah is standing in my doorway.

“What a mess,” He says.

“Thank you, Captain Obvious.” I retort.

I can’t just sit here doing nothing, I need to find Adam. I take my keys out of my back pocket—

“He’s not at St. Agnes,” Noah says. And of course he just knows that.

“Where the hell did he go then?” I ask him. He just shrugs, what a big help.

I sit down on the edge of my bed again. Noah puts a hand on my shoulder, then walks out of my room.

I’m left to sit in my room and let my thoughts eat away at me.

Why did Adam kiss me in the first place? Maybe he doesn’t even like me that way, maybe somehow he knows how I feel and he was just trying to make me happy. Oh God, I really hope he knew what he was doing. He probably hated the kiss, that’s why he ran away. Because he can’t stand the sight of me. My emotions keep switching back and forth between feeling sorry for myself and worrying if Adam is okay.

I have decided that Noah is full of shit and that Parrish might be at his apartment.

I get in my car and crank the music up and the windows down.

It’s now 1:34am when I arrive at Adams apartment. His car isn’t in its usual spot.

I get out of the car and walk upstairs.

I knock on the door.

Nothing.

I knock louder.

Nothing.

I kick the goddamn door.

Still nothing.

I slide down to the floor outside his door. I’m squeezing my eyes shut as tight as I can, trying to keep my breathing under control. _Adam, where are you?_ He wouldn’t do anything stupid when he’s upset, that’s something I’d do. But not Adam, at least I hope not.

We’ve never really talked about taking girls on dates or anything. We never even talked about Blue when he was into her for that short amount of time. But I know he liked her, no idea about guys though, the conversation never came up. Even if it did there’s no way in hell I would admit my feelings towards Adam or other guys in general. He’d probably laugh and play it off as a joke.

All of a sudden a thought hits me like a smack across the face. What if his father gave him shit about Gansey and I? Put some thoughts into Adams head about how he can’t be into guys or he’d have to punish him. Oh God, I can’t even imagine the kinds of things his father has probably beat him up for. Can't imagine how scared Adam must be right now.

Then again I could be wrong. Adam could be just freaking out, trying to sort through his feelings. Or he could be ashamed of himself, ashamed of me.

Sitting outside his apartment door isn’t going to get me anywhere. I walk back outside and sit in my car, turning the radio on. I need something to at least pass the time until Adam decides to come home. I sit and listen to the radio for a few minutes but time is just dragging on and on…

Fuck it, I have to call Gansey.

I dig around on the floor of the passenger seat until I finally feel something in the shape of my phone.

I flip it over and dial Gansey.

I get a busy signal.

I try again.

Still a busy signal.

“Fucking great!” I yell into the air.

I decide to swing by Monmouth again to see if Adam came back. What if he came back to talk to me and I wasn’t there. Goddammit! I shift into first gear and punch the gas pedal down, screaming back to Monmouth.

When I pull up, I don’t see Adams car. But Gansey is home now.

“Where the hell were you!?” I yell as soon as I step foot into our apartment.

“Me?” Gansey asks in shock, “I just went for a drive with Blue, she just wanted to get out of the house for a little while.”

“I tried to call you and it was busy.” I say trying to keep my voice contained to a normal level.

“Oh yeah, well I called her… right after I dropped her off.” He mutters.

“Whatever.” I sigh, “Has Parrish come by at all since you’ve been home?”

“Adam? No, why would he? It’s almost three in the morning.” Gansey responds.

“Nevermind.”

“What happened?”

“Nothing.”

“Ronan…”

“I said nothing, now leave it alone!” I yell.

I’m shaking. I’m so angry. I’m so confused. I don't know what's happening right now.

I want Adam.

“Don’t wait up.” I say into the air. I walk outside and get back in the BMW.

I drive to the Barnes.

It’s very unrealistic that Adam would be here. I don’t even know if he knows how to get here by himself. I usually drive all the times we come up here. I like the drive; long straight stretches of road, the curvy country back roads, the endless stretch of green farm lands. It’s all so relaxing and reminds me of home, only making me want to drive faster to get there.

When I finally get to the Barnes, Adams car is nowhere in sight. Of course. I didn’t expect him to be here; maybe I just needed to come here to think for myself.

It’s still at the point where it’s early enough in the morning that it’s not light out yet. I walk around through the stalls of sleeping animals in darkness. Maybe this is what it feels like to be lost; wandering around aimlessly in the dark, with no path or direction. That’s basically how I’ve lived my life since my dad died. I think meeting Gansey turned it all around for me. At least it was a start. I didn’t have a particular feeling about Adam when Gansey first introduced us. I didn’t mind him, he was just… there. And I liked that. I liked having another person be there for me when there were so few left nowadays.

Obviously his presence grew on me over the next few months. The real turning point was when we started hanging out without Gansey.

I lay down on my dads old couch in his workshop.

I knew Adam was different. He didn’t take Ganseys shit, he called him out on it. He was much more mature and grown up than I had given him credit for. Then I saw the bruises and I understood. He had to be mature to be able to deal with something like that. To endure that kind of physical and emotional pain from someone you’ve looked up to when you were little. My chest gets tight just thinking about his father laying a hand on him. I guess we have that in common; we both wish our fathers could be different people. I wish mine was around more to tell me what the hell I am. To explain why I am what I am, and explain what kind of stuff he was involved in before his death.

I doze off for awhile and am completely confused when I wake up. Why am I here again? Trying to wake the sleepers? Probably.

I stand up and stretch, looking my dads old clock on the workbench and it all comes back to me.

Oh fuck.

It’s 6am.

The fight with Adam last night. No, not the fight. The kiss.

I bring my hand up to my lips. Adams were so soft and perfect. He looked so beautiful right before he kissed me, his face in awe just staring at me. I can’t even remember what we were talking about right before it happened. He just kept glancing at me out of the corner of his eye. Then he turned to face me and he kept staring at my lips, and then he leaned in and kissed me.

Fucking shit, this hurts. I feel like my heart is twisting in my chest.

What if he never speaks to me again? Our friendship is possibly ruined and I can’t even stand to think about it. That would be the death of me, if our friendship came to an end.

When Adam gave himself over to Cabeswater, I thought I was going to lose him. I didn’t even realize what I felt for him until now, but I just know that I can’t go back to that feeling ever again.

I drive back into Henrietta, thinking about stopping by Cabesewater. I decide against it, I’m too mad and confused to go there and have the trees speak nonsense to me about being the Greywaren. What does that even mean? It doesn’t help me now, does it. Doesn’t help me find Adam or know what he’s thinking.

I drive past his apartment again; his car still isn’t there. I’m starting to worry now.

I take out my spare key and walk into the church. He’s not here.

I stare up at the alter and bow my head. Then I turn to leave.

I drive back to Monmouth.

I sluggishly walk up the steps into the apartment. It’s now 9am.

“Ronan… Are you alright?” Gansey asks as soon as I walk into the apartment.

“I’m fine; just up almost all night trying to find Adam.”

“I… What do you mean, where is he?”

“I DON’T KNOW!” I shout at him. I reel in my emotions, getting a handle on my breathing. “Something happened… between us, and he left. Now I can’t find him. I’m going to sleep for a while now, tell me if he stops by, okay?”

“Yeah, yeah of course I will.”

I instantly fall onto my bed when I get into my room, physically and emotionally drained. I don’t sleep much as it is but I feel like I’ll pass out at any moment.

I wake up later to Chainsaw squawking loudly in my room. I give her some food to eat and let her out of her cage so she can fly around.

I look at the clock on my desk. It’s not there. Oh yeah, it’s on the floor from when I threw my lamp last night. I pick the clock up from the floor and it reads 1:07pm.

I rub sleep away from my eyes and think about the previous night and what my plan of action is now. I lazily open my bedroom door and catch Ganseys eye across the room. He doesn’t say anything, just shakes his head. I sigh and step back into my room.

This could be so much easier if Adam just had a cell phone. Who knows if he’d even answer it if I called.

Well it’s Saturday. Maybe he’s at the garage. If I show up there it’s not like he can run away from me. I realize it’s a shitty thing to do; go talk to him when he can’t leave because he’s on the job. But I’m losing my mind over here, I have no idea if he’s even alright or where he slept last night.

I take a quick shower and throw some clothes on heading toward the garage.

I walk in through the main doors and stop at the front desk. There’s an elderly lady at the counter.

“What can I do for you?”

“Hey, um, is Adam Parrish working today?” I ask, as she shuffles some papers around.

“No, darling. I’m afraid he has the day off.”

“Oh, thanks.” I reply, defeated. I walk back outside and get in the BMW.

I drive Adams apartment, but his car still isn’t there. I fumble around in my backseat until I come across one of my notebooks for school. I turn to a blank page and rip out a piece of paper, grabbing a pen from the glove box. I put the pen to the piece of paper and freeze.

What am I supposed to say to Adam to fix this? I have no idea what is going through his head right now; there’s no way to fix this without talking to him first. I settle on writing a note anyway and shoving it under the door of his apartment.

_Adam,_

_At this point I have no idea what you’re thinking. I have no idea where you even are for fucks sake. We should talk face to face, not by passing stupid notes like we are in elementary school. I haven’t told anyone about what happened. Just come talk to me. ~~Please~~. Please. I’ll be waiting at Monmouth for you._

With the note stuffed under his door, I get back in my car and drive to Monmouth.

It’s 3:57pm.

Gansey has take-out food waiting for me when I walk in. I ask him if he’s heard from Adam and, again, he says no.

The next few hours are agonizingly slow, but they go by in a blur.

I sit and watch TV with Gansey for a while. I feed Chainsaw. I listen to music in my room. I take another nap.

It’s getting late, about 10pm. It’s still possible that Adam hasn’t been home yet, so maybe he didn’t get my note. There’s also the possibility he got it and still refuses to talk to me. I never really thought about what would happen if Adam found out about my feelings towards him; if he found out and didn’t reciprocate those feelings. I imagine it would go something like this, and that stirs up a rotting hole in my chest where I feel like my heart should be, but it’s not there anymore. My breathing starts coming in more shallow gasps. I feel like I’m shaking.

_Get it together._

There’s really nowhere lower we could go from here. If Adam decides to speak to me again, we will have to work on rebuilding our friendship; I can’t lost him over some little kiss like this.

But he initiated it.

He kissed me.

This is the only hope I have to cling to as a pull a beer out of the fridge and head back to sulk in my room. I don’t even care if I’m sulking, wait, I’m waiting for Adam not sulking.

Fuck, this sucks.

I don’t know when or how I fall asleep, just that I keep hearing my name being called. It’s a soft distant voice, quickly becoming more aggressive. This must be a dream; the scent of Cabeswater makes its way around me. And now I’m being shaken, who is shaking me?

I feel asleep, and now I'm outside of myself like always after I dream. Except I'm not alone.

Adam is standing next to my bed, hands on my shoulders, carefully trying to wake me.

I snap back into my senses and sit straight up in bed, Adam taking a step back. I’m well aware that I’m staring at him, my mouth hanging open a little. I don’t know whether to yell at him or be relieved that he seems to be okay.

My expression darkens and I decided to go with the former option.

“Where the hell were you?” I ask, giving him the death stare. It comes out harsh, but not as harsh as I intended it to.

“I… I got your note...” Adam stammers.

I sigh and look away, ready to stand up and get out of this small space with him. “It’s whatever, Parrish.”

But he sits down on the bed next to me, very close. Our knees are touching and almost our fingertips. I’m staring at our hands, so close and yet so far away. When I look up Adam has moved very close to me; definitely invading m personal space. He glances down at my lips and I do the same to his. He moves his right hand to place it over mine on the bed and swings his head in to kiss me, firmly right on the mouth.

All my senses are on high alert, they’re on autopilot. I feel like I’ve forgotten how to kiss someone but my brain seems to know what to do for me. I take my hand out from under his and intertwine our fingers, pressing small light kisses to Adams lips before I pull away.

He stares at me, starting to worry and I’m suddenly so terrified that he’s going to leave again and I don’t think I could handle it. I couldn’t go through that again right now, not knowing where we stand, if Adams alright. So I put my other hand over ours that are still intertwined and I look into those beautiful eyes of his and wait for him to speak.

“I… I’m a coward okay?”

And that is not what I expected him to say at all.

“I had known about your feelings for me for awhile now…” You have no idea of my true feelings for you, Adam. “And I realize that I may have feelings for you to, but I wasn’t sure.” He takes a deep breath. “My father always made fun of me whenever I was with you, Gansey, or Noah. Always said ‘go have fun with your boyfriends’ and then there were beatings that followed. He… never cared about my sexual orientation, he just assumed it was girls, it had to be if I was living in his house. So I never really thought about it either… Anyway, long story short… I like you Ronan, I really do.”

I feel like my heart is beating so fast he that he can see it. That he can tell it’s going to jump out my throat at any moment.

“So I kissed you, on impulse. And I got scared. I was afraid that I was wrong and you may not feel the same way…”

“God that’s fucking ridiculous Adam.” I tell him, upset with myself for interrupting him. I can’t imagine how much strength it must take for him to let out all his feelings like this; to me of all people. “So, why did you leave and wait so long to come back? I had no idea where you were. You weren’t at your apartment all the times I checked, and you weren’t at the garage.”

I can see something flash in his eyes, in his expression. Hurt, guilt? But I think it’s mostly happiness that someone cared enough to look for him, that I cared enough to be worried over him.

“I needed time to sort my thoughts out.” Adam says. “I realize I went about it the wrong way, and I’m sorry you were worried about me.”

There’s a hint of a smile as he’s talking, like he’s very glad I was worried.

“So, I don’t really know what this is or where we go from here… but, I just want you to know. I’m all in.” He says.

I stare at him for a moment, happy that he remembers that I don’t do casual hook ups or relationships. Everything I do is pretty much all or nothing. I lean in and kiss him again, hungry for more of this handsome dork in front of me. I push him back on the bed so I’m hovering over him. He breaks away from the kiss.

“Whoa there, slow down. I’ve only just come to terms with this whole thing.” Adam says shyly, looking at the floor.

“It’s fine, Adam, really. I’m just so glad to have you here with me.” I tell him. Taking his hand and kissing all of his knuckles. He smiles that sheepish smile. I have a feeling I’ll be seeing a lot more of that.

There’s a knock at the door. It has to be Gansey.

“Um… just making sure neither of you are dead in there? Play nicely you two.” He says.

I smile and look towards Adam, who looks nervous as hell, like he might bolt at any minute.

“Adam.” I tell him. “We don’t need to tell anyone anything until we both want to. You’re safe with me, I promise.”And I don’t think I’ve ever seen him relax so quickly at my words.

“I’m glad I came back.” He says as he kisses me, hands roaming all over my body. So many new experiences to come with this boy and I cannot wait.

**Author's Note:**

> I usually don't write in first person at all ever, but I felt like it worked well with this fic, and it leaves room for a companion fic from Adams point of view in the future possibly.
> 
> Let me know what you thought, I'm horrible at writing endings btw.
> 
> Follow me on tumblr as ivyrocks24 to chat about TRC.


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